Okay, so I warn you now that this post has absolutely no meaning or message to it. I simply want to give you a glimpse into the prayer life of someone with ADD. BTW- I really do have ADD. I was diagnosed when I was about 18. Yeah I know, right! A little late on the diagnosis. Had I known before then maybe I would not have felt like such an idiot because I couldn't study or focus on doing homework. To this day, I am a horrible studier. I am great at hyper focusing on memorizing, but actually studying is as foreign to me as Latin. Oh wait! I am supposed to be talking about my prayer life. Okay, so anyway. This really is just me venting and being frustrated at how hard I have to concentrate on personal prayer time with my Father. I was actually spending some quiet time with God about 15 minutes ago and it took me about 15 minutes to get my head focused so I gave up and will try again later. Maybe my brain will make a better connection then. With that being said(for no apparent reason), I want to walk you thru the thought process from the beginning of the prayer to when I gave up. Maybe you will relate to it, maybe you will feel sorry for me, maybe this will help you to understand me a little more, or maybe you will just get a kick out of laughing at my frustration. Do with it what you will.
these were my thoughts in prayer time:
I have a few minutes I think I will spend some time in prayer. (I proceed to sit at my desk, close my eyes, and take a couple of deep breathes to focus)
Father, I want to lift you up this morning and...... (singing in my head) I will lift my eyes to the maker, of the mountains I can't climb. Ooooo, good song. We should do that song Sunday. No, wait I think we just did that a few weeks ago......or did we? What key is that song in? G I think, then it goes to A. That is a cool key change. Oh crap, I am supposed to be praying!
Okay start over: Father, I want to lift you up today and just take some time to recognize You as the lord of my life...... Ooooo, I should say Psalm 131 here. How does the verse go again? oh yeah.. Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not...........oh yeah, haughty. I do not concern myself with........Crap I forgot the rest! something about not dwelling on things that are too great for me to understand. Then something else about calming myself like a child that doesn't breast feed anymore. Dang it, what am I doing? I am supposed to be praying and now I am working on memory verses. Geesh!
Okay God, where did I leave off.......? oh yeah, God I just want to let you know....... What the crud are they doing in the break room. Why are they always so loud in there!? Seriously, don't they know I am trying to pray in here. Oh Crap! I am supposed to be praying!
Okay God I am focusing on you and nothing else.........except that, I wonder if I got all the music pulled for tonight. Yes! I did. Tammie is going to make copies for me. I wonder if I should bring my keyboard tonight since we don't have Jacob? Ooooo, I could do strings on I heard the bells, I bet that would sound awesome! I need to call Tammie and tell her to bring it. (I then proceed to try and dig my phone out of my pocket). DANG IT! I am supposed to be praying! I hate it when I do this.
Okay God, Please forgive me for allowing myself to lose focus on spending time with you. God I remember someone saying that when things begin to make us lose focus during prayer to begin praying for those things. Who said that, was it Becky. I think so, but I am not sure. Hmmm, that's going to bug me. AWWWWW! I did it again! What is wrong with me!!!? Screw it! I will pray later!
Satan won!
Because now instead of spending some alone time with God. I am blogging about not spending time with Him. I know that we all do this from time to time, but I must say, being ADD, it is pretty much every time I try to focus on alone time with God. Some hours I have more patience to hyper focus myself and spend time with God, but it usually takes me at least 5 minutes to get my mind cleared enough to hear God talking back. I laugh about it most of the time, but it really does get frustrating sometimes. Maybe I should consider meds?
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THIS ADD girl has the same problems. Actually writing out what I want to pray for and then working down the list works for me. I still wander, but it helps me to get back to the task at hand.
ReplyDeleteI also don't beat myself up about it anymore. I just pray all the time. These days, constant prayer is what is getting me through each moment without having a nervous break down.
Your ADD is part of what makes you who you are. You know we all love you!
Dude, I completely relate to this post. This often sounds just like my prayer life. I, like Becky, have learned to write my prayers down or I forget. I've also learned to "pray unceasingly" as Paul wrote. Sometimes my prayers seem to be just one word, like "please" or a name repeated. God sorts it all out I think.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both of you about praying without ceasing. I do a lot of that, but there are times when I would like to be able to just sit and spend time with God, and just listen. I am able to do that if I place myslef in the perfect circumstances with no distractions, but I do sometimes wish I was able to focus more easily. I am jealous of those who are able to do so.
ReplyDeleteDon't be jealous Robby. God made you just the way you are - ADD and all. God manages to speak to me even through all the noise in my head.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried EARLY morning? That is probably most helpful to me, but it has to be before I do anything else, kinda like before my brain really wakes up!